to learn to live on your own

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Assalamualaikum and holaaa!

This entry might be a bit depressing but well, life's just that sometimes hahaha.


So last Tuesday, 14th November 2023, I've got into a car accident, which is my first time getting into a quite 'teruk' one. But yes, I lived. But the aftermath of the incident was so painful sometimes it makes me think, maybe I should've just gone forever that day. Maybe the pain won't be so unbearable if I just went to sleep and never woke up.

But here we are. Tuhan masih memberi peluang untuk saya bertaubat dan beramal hari ini, but how I wish it was that easy to be grateful and keep living. Every night I tried to close my eyes, wishing I could forget everything, wishing it was all just a dream, but the pain in my every bones kept reminding me that it's not. And everytime I close my eyes, I'm back in the car on that Tuesday. The only way I could sleep is by crying so I cried and cried till I tire myself out and unconciously drift away.

Then on every same night I realized how I have nobody to share this pain with. The physical pain wouldn't reside, but the agony I felt in my head every night was mostly insufferable. At times where I needed support from people I love the most, they're nowhere to be found. Then I found comfort in those who truly cares for me even though they've barely known me. But I couldn't afford to share these pains with them. For them to show the affection and care even more than my own blood baffled me so I'm already beyond grateful to depend on those people even if the peace I felt was temporary. Hence I can't never share those painful nights with them, that's my burden to bear and mine only.

Still I can't help to wish I had those people I care the most to be there for me. Now that I can think a bit clearly (or maybe not cause my mental isn't quite the same after the incident but whatever hahaha), I realized that in this world, some people really have nobody to lean on. Not everyone was blessed with folks that truly cares for you and your well-being. And it's the reality, it's not even out of ordinary. It's a blessing to have a great caring one but don't think everyone was blessed the same way. Trust me, it's not weird and others might had it worse. Unfortunately for me, I had to learn of this reality the hard way. Well, truth is always bitter but we lived.

I'm writing this to remind myself to be strong and tough all on my own. Accept that you can't never rely on anybody in this world. And maybe it's why I can't find myself a partner up until now. At this point I don't believe anyone can ever care for me enough to share not only my joy and happiness, but to also take on all the pains and sorrow I had in me.

Well, looking at the bright side, I am blessed with friends here who were truly there for me. Their love and sincerity are what's keeping me sane or else I might have gone mental hahaha. Sungguh, Tuhan sahaja yg boleh membalas kebaikan mereka. On the sidenote, I pray none of you would experience this excruciating agony as I did, and if you're facing your own hardships, be strong and I pray that God helps you in every possible way.

I've lived through this, which might be one of the worst I had in my life, so insyaAllah, by Allah's will, I'll survive come what may. And if anyone reading this, I'm sorry it's quite depressing but please don't interact with me on this, I'll be ashamed lol huhuu. I really needed to let this out, and this might be one of the most effective ways of me coping. Just keep me in your prayers and pray that Allah lifts my misery soon, and I'll be grateful for eternity. Moga-moga.


Love, cikya.❤️ (I love the nickname more than ever now tak tau kenapa hahaha!)



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