"let her go" passenger

 

That day when we decided on a staycation after our graduation, I never would have imagined he would also be there. Don’t get me wrong. He’s always been a part of the group and after all that happened between us, he’s still a dear friend. Maybe a little bit too ‘deary’ for me. I mean- we were just fine and everything… was normal.

But anyway, here we are. Sitting right across each other. So close yet so far. We all know that he's right now seeing someone and he seems genuinely happy. From what we all see, the girl's great. Passionate and loving. In every aspect, she's so much better than me. And I'm happy for him too. Well- that's what I've been trying to tell myself over and over and that's also what everyone perceives from seeing us so okay. God knows what I had to go through to put up with the whole thing.

Oh God. I should stop. They were in love, they were happy! So get a grip and be happy for them, you stupid self!

Anyway, what’s going on right now is, my friends just looove truth or dare so they were suggesting on the game. I liked the game too. It’s fun and silly and we usually would enjoy ourselves a lot. But please not tonight. Please. Please. Please not on this day God. Just now when one of us mentioned the game, I almost snapped to turn towards him and unconsciously shook my head. I quickly try to suggest some other game but he, along with the others, flattenly reject my suggestion. My heart screams and when we made eye contact, I briefly glare hard at his pair of brown soft eyes. (Oops). He saw my glare and laughs it off. (that damn gorgeous laugh. Oops 2.0)

Well- everything was completely fine between us right now so what’s there to worry about, right. So after all Iwent ahead with the game. Maybe I’m just being overly paranoid. Let’s just enjoy the bloody game.

After two rounds of playing, one of us decided to make it physical so we went on inventing new mix up game, Truth or Dare + Hide and Seek. Rules are, we divided the house into two parts, of each side with either truth or dare. So hiders would choose between the two parts and if they were found, they have to do truth or dare, according to the sides they’ve chosen. And the first person to be found was supposed to be the next seeker but they can dodge it by ‘truth or dare’-ing the current seeker and ‘seeker’ role would be pass onto the next person to be found.

First round was hectic and I passed with a Dare task of “video-call Madam #### (our lecturer) and ask her what time is it”. That gained me a good scolding and harsh phone slamming. I’m glad we were no longer in college lol. And the game continues. On the fourth or fifth round (I don’t keep track), the next person to be the seeker is him. And after a long thought, I decide to go on the Truth side.

“17…18…19…20! Ready or not here I come!” I hear him from afar. He’s been searching and no one’s yet to be found. About five minutes later I hear steps approaching. Oh this is not good.

“Found you!!” he screams brightly while I shout an “AAGGHH!!”.“Damn that was too easy,” he laughs his ass off. This stupid guy…

“Alright truth heh… hmm…” he thinks.

Exactly on that brief moment of thinking one good question to give me, we met eyes. All of a sudden and I swear to God I don’t even know how, we are staring into each other’s eyes. And time stops. For both of us.

Without breaking eye contact, he inquires, “One thing you regret the most?” his voice slow but as we were still looking at each other, I know his mind is wandering at the same time. Wander where? I don’t know. Maybe to the deep memories of us that has been locked away for years but now is breaking free for an unknown reason. I don’t know what possessed me but I savor this moment. My unconscious sense was telling; ‘deep inside, maybe he’s still mine’. 

After a moment, for the question he asked, I answered in a whisper, “Letting you slip away,”

Only after the words escape my mouth that I realized the extent of how bad this is. With that, I had crossed the line both of us had inevitably drawn long time ago. This shouldn’t have happened. With awful regrets, I mutter, “I’m so sorry,”

“Don’t be.” He replies. The moment he said that, I froze. Does this mean deep inside he also has feelings for me, still?

But that thought was laconic. The next words that come out from his lips break me into pieces and my heart sinks. He said it with softness, affection, and not with the slightest intention of hurting me, yet, it’s still painful.

“We were the past now, and no matter how, we won’t be the future,” then he takes a step away. “I know you regret it. I know you’re sorry. But it wouldn’t change a thing. So, do me a favor and don’t dwell too much on the past. I still love you now but you know yourself that it’s a different type of love already. We won’t happen.”

How crazy. I know that. Over these years, I stood by his side knowing all the things he just said. I know we won’t happen. I do know that. I even acknowledge it seeing him truly happy with another person. But hearing them from himself tonight, it’s immensely excruciating.

I cannot cry right now. Please tears don’t fall on me now. I’m not sure why, but I start turning the pain into anger. Maybe I was too angry at myself for being stupid so as I watch him slowly backs away, I call him.

“It’s your turn to answer me.” We are still in the game. He turns towards me. “I choose Dare. And I dare you to sing our song,” my voice cracks at the verge of crying but I hold it. I want to hear him singing the song for the last time, and maybe, even though I doubt it’ll be easy, I’ll move on.

Our song. I remember the day we chose our song. We were at a dining and a song was playing in the background. Upon hearing it, I’ve become fond of the melody and asked him if he knew the title. He said he kinda heard the song before but couldn’t recall the title, so next thing we do was guessing on the possible singers that might be true. Lastly he took out his phone and asked Siri for the answer. I remember vividly how long our synchronized “Ooooo” after confirming the song’s title and its singer. We laughed a lot that day. And we became fond of the song so gradually, it became ‘our song’.

He shakes his head a little bit before replying, “No. I don’t remember we ever had any song,” he said slow and stern. Upon hearing that, I finally break down and sob. I’m sure I see how he hesitates for a moment on whether he should come closer, comfort me and give me a hug, saying it would all be fine, but he ends up not doing that. Instead, he imparts, “This is for the best,” and then says my name in the most soothing way someone could ever did. And eventually, he walks away.

I run to the loo and cry my heart out. Maybe, after all, I need that closure. An affirmation that no matter how much I tried to revert to the moment he once had those mad feelings for me, it’s useless. I no longer can.

Later that night, I excuse myself early and turning around at him for the last time with such hope, we met eyes and he gives the warmest look, mouthing, ‘Are you okay?’ I reply with a smile, ‘I will be,’

THE END.

a/n: If you're still wondering and confused, yes, this is a fiction. I don't know where and how on earth I got the mood to create this out of the blue but please enjoy.